Whitney feels things.

Sorry I haven’t written in so long. You guys have no idea what it is like in this f***ing city! First, this girl with lip gloss took credit for my ideas at work, and then I found out this guy doesn’t like me enough to get a haircut or NOT go on tour with his band. Then, to make matters worse, this model friend continues to wear this post-apocalyptic eye makeup as if I don't have to look at her face! OH, WAIT. I’m confusing myself again with Whitney on MTV’s The City. Sometimes I forget we are two different people leading two different lives because I, too, am learning to navigate the tear-stained streets of New York City. Here is a list of what I have to deal with on a typical day:

Problems:

-Do I try on the affordable skinny jeans at Uniqlo and, if I buy a pair, what color do I get?

-Which side of my black and white cookie do I eat first?

-Which Brooklyn dance crew do I join, or do I start my own? And if I DO start my own, is it one of those all-girl sexy groups or all-girl tomboy groups where everyone wears a plaid shirt and a jauntily skewed trucker hat?

-Is it socially acceptable to cry on the subway (a "friend" wants to know)?

We finally saw Whitney cry for the first time, and I was relieved because it might mean she has realized how bad her show has become OR it might mean that she is STILL able to feel. Sometimes after people live in NYC a long time, they lose that ability. (That has happened to one of the doormen in my building.)

I still have feelings but I have to suppress them because I’m the only girl at my job and if you cry it makes the boys feel weird inside and before you know it, you are f***ing fired.

Busy weekend ahead! I’m going to a Hoda and Kathie Lee Marathon Brunch and I am going to Duane Reade so I can spend $70 on hair spray, blue nail polish, and (hopefully) some Native American-inspired headbands. New York City!!!

Hello Whitney

How do we explain Whitney’s appeal? Could it be that Whitney is the new Hello Kitty of television? Go with me on this. We know NOTHING about this girl. Her past, her family, her opinions on anything other than her friends’ relationships – all of it is a blank slate! Who else is a blank slate? Hello Kitty. She doesn’t have an expression so that little girls can project their own emotions onto her – she is whatever you need her to be. You know how when you are sad, you pick up your Hello Kitty doll and tell her all your problems and she looks back at you with that open, blank stare and you know that she just GETS it? Sound familiar?? And then sometimes you think that inside the cute, vapid shell that maybe, just maybe, there is a burning fire of rebellion and self-respect? Hello Whitney! When she FINALLY told Olivia that she felt “stabbed in the back,” it was like watching that sweet Hello Kitty slap My Melody across the face for talking sh*t about her big red bow. I knew it was inside her.

The pic above is me and Hello Kitty at the mall when I was 9 or 10. How hot is that one piece jump suit? I think Whitney would wear that.

Santa Claus is(n't) coming to town!

I have to admit The City is getting boring. But I don’t judge Whitney OR her twisty hairstyles. The city isn’t always glamorous like you see on TV. Every day isn’t a party. Sometimes you are just a regular girl, sitting alone in your studio apartment with nothing but a bag of Baked Lays and a House Hunters marathon to fill your days. I mean, that’s what I’ve hear about other people...

This week’s episode of The City was called “The Truth Hurts,” which I guess means that it HURTS when Kelly Cutrone is a bitch to your face and that it would be great to see Whitney HURT Kelly’s face with a punch to the mouth. Kelly confronted Allie about her weight (she is a skinny model) in the most sensitive and logical way, right? Invite her to your birthday party and then, when other people are around, accuse her of having an eating disorder and ask her about it over and over until she is so upset she has to storm out. Kelly might be right – I have no idea – but she is SO bitchy that she loses all credibility with me. The idea that she “just cares” and is there to help is hard to swallow when her main motivation seems to be humiliating other people. Ugh. Enough about The City.

I am having a low-key kinda week. All the writers on our show are working from home for a couple weeks so I don’t have to go to Brooklyn every morning. This is great because it is snowing AGAIN today. All day. All the snow is confusing because it feels like Santa should be coming to town and he isn’t. No Christmas trees and no presents! Whatever, New York.

In closing, I would like to discuss tonight’s local NY news which talked about a “minor earthquake” in New Jersey yesterday. They played all these 911 tapes of locals calling in, which I thought was strange because we have earthquakes all the time in LA and I don’t know why one would call 911 unless you were trapped under a house. But these people were like, “I felt a boom?” and the seriously annoyed and/or bored 911 operators were like, “Yeah? Well, whatever, you are the 600th person to call us.”

That’s all for now. The pic above is my attempt to decorate my office wall with post-it notes. It’s like Oprah’s inspiration board.

Dinosaurs are totally thin.

Whoa!! You guys! We learned tonight that Whitney doesn’t like liars! And then Whitney learned from Jay that, in New York, you can never put anything past anyone. I learned both those lessons this week when the cable channel NY1 told us all that 40 degrees is “balmy.”

My “Whitney freaks out on Olivia” fantasy is growing. This week I imagined Whitney’s eyes shooting hot red lasers towards Olivia’s work area and just incinerating her whole head of curls. How rude was that when she didn’t want to hear about Whitney’s drama because they are “adults”? Hearing about Whitney’s drama is WHY SHE WAS CAST ON THE SHOW! Unacceptable.

Theory of the week: Whitney’s friend, Allie, might be so sad all the time because she wears so much black eye makeup. Maybe the blackness seeps into her head, filling her brain with dark thoughts?

And how is my life in NYC? My husband came for a visit this week and we went to the Museum of Natural History (see pic above). It was educational (the moon was formed in a month!) and fun, except that my cheese-less turkey sandwich cost nine dollars.

My winter coat is super COMF !!!

Tonight Whitney said she is overwhelmed by The City and I totally get that. There are lots of things you have to learn when you are new to NY (i.e. subways, where to not get murdered, how to street dance). I feel like LA is easier on newcomers. Do you think that is true? As long as you can read a map, you can drive yourself wherever you need to go and not have to worry about subway station closures or delays or snowstorms. You don’t have to rely on others to get where you need to go.

I feel like The City is mocking me with all their sunny shots of beautiful late summer/early fall weather. I wish I had been here for that. I want it to snow on Whitney as she walks half a mile to her Brooklyn office. (See pic above for today’s snowy view from our new office!)

I am glad to see that Whitney is still wearing happy LA colors. I was on the train with red boots and a purple polka dot scarf and I felt a little like a clown next to all these girls in all black. BORING and DEPRESSING. I’m not giving in to the all black thing.

Final thought - Did that friend of Olivia’s say his shoes were “super comf” ? I will start incorporating this new word into my vocabulary tomorrow.

Today was our first day in the Brooklyn production offices. It’s a cool space with a dance studio feel which makes me want to pop n lock ALL the time. There is a mini fridge full of Diet Coke which makes the 45 minute commute worth it.

I will try to not let a whole week go by before I post again. . .

Tonight's episode of The City

If you don’t watch The City, then you are missing out on Olivia. Olivia is why I’m glad I’m the only girl at my job (Peggy Olson’s Unite!). If Olivia shot me those looks of hers (half bitchy, half vapid) I would have to smack her in the face. Though, to be honest, I would probably end up smacking her in the face only IN MY MIND because, in reality, I would go into the bathroom and silently cry because it hurts when pretty people are mean to you.

Jay bores me to tears. My husband’s conversational skills could beat up Jay’s conversational skills in about 3 seconds. There are a crazy amount of funny, smart people in The City and Whitney hasn’t found any of them.

There is, however, one thing Whitney has that I don’t have – that awesome purple beaded top she wore tonight. Purple makes me think of grape popsicles and unicorns and grape-flavored unicorns.

In other news, today was my first day on my new show. It's going to be great. The other writers are smart and funny and cool and the commissary had quality cookies. I WAS hoping for free Diet Cokes because I drink it frequently and am hoping that aspartame is a fountain of youth, but I guess I'll have to buy my own. For now.

It is snowing-g on me and Whitney.

Today is snowing. Or as Whitney would say, it is "snowing-g." For reasons unknown, she adds a hard "g" to the ends of her "ing" words. Listen for it. I have never heard anyone else in LA speak this way. I kind of love her for it.

I went to lunch today in my new hood (the financial district) and learned the streets are EMPTY on the weekends! Very few cars and very few people. I like this a lot. The snow is kind of pretty but I'm way smarter than to stay out in it. I've been sitting in my studio all day and just ordered some cough medicine and cupcakes for delivery. They will deliver almost anything here. I guess it is good that work starts Monday because otherwise I wouldn't leave my place until the NY1 news channel tells me it is 70 degrees out there.

(The pic above was taken today from the 32nd floor of my building. White snow! No cars!)